Shut Up: A Moviegoer's Manifesto

It's happened to all of us. You pay $6 or $7 of your hard earned money, you buy your popcorn under the pretense that it doesn't make you fat, and you sit down for 2 hours of mindless fun in your local movie theater. And then it happens. Someone starts talking. Before, it used to be bleach-blonde girls asking their boyfriends to explain the movie's plot, but lately it's gotten worse. People have begun to answer their phones in the middle of the movies. Whispering? C'mon man, that is so 20th century. I've tried to find links between the kinds of people that think it's okay to talk in a movie theater, but I can't quite pin them down. I suppose all demographics are properly represented in this brainless inconsideration.

So how do we deal with these individuals? I propose the following preventive methods - some might seem peculiar, so bear with me. Place volume sensors in the backs of every seat in the theater; if it picks up a certain amount of decibels, the responsible party's seat will begin to warm up gradually, like a menopause hot flash. If this individual continues to talk, a subtle white light will be placed on his face until he, to put it gently, shuts the fuck up. Further refusal to be quiet will result in a fine or a possible ban from the theater, permanent or otherwise. When buying tickets in the future, these criminals will have to identify themselves as such, just like sex offenders are required to do. Furthermore, they will have a designated area in which to sit in the theater, away from clean-record citizens.

I know what you're thinking: implementing these measures will result in higher ticket prices. While a small increment in prices could happen, once we start imposing fines there will be plenty of available funds. Think about it - how much money does the government make in fines alone? We could start by applying these methods in movie theatres in Bayamón and see how it goes. A sudden influx in moviegoers who are no longer worried about unwanted noise will certainly help the ailing economy. Consider these words the first step in what could potentially become a revolution in our local entertainment industry. You've been warned.